Are you scouring through cookbooks and catalogues to create the perfect holiday for your family? Slow down. The greatest gift of all is free. And you already have it. The gift of one-on-one Special Play Time will reduce your own stress, as well as your child’s. And it’s fun! Special Play Time may sound corny. However, leading child psychology and parenting experts agree that a little bit of your undivided attention goes a long way (Virginia Axline, Gary Landreth, Louise Guerney…). Here’s how to bring some real, old-fashioned wonder to your holidays. Try it during the holiday break, maybe after the presents are opened. We think you will enjoy it as much as your child will. If so, you can keep giving it all year long.
RECIPE FOR SPECIAL PLAY TIME:
- Plan for 15 to 30 minutes of time.
Put it on the calendar, so that you and your child can look forward to it together. (Special time should not be cancelled, “saved up,” given as a reward, or withheld as consequence. It’s something your child can count on.) Start on time, and give your child a 5 minute warning when time is up, letting her know you will do it again soon. - Protect this sacred time during which you give your child your undivided attention. Keep it one-on-one. Close the door, turn off cell phones, resist multi-tasking, and make sure siblings (who will get their turn) are otherwise occupied.(Just for fun: You and your child can create a Do Not Disturb sign to post during Special Play Time.)
- Keep this time child-centered. Let your child choose what to do. Accept the invitation into her world of play, whether it’s make believe, creating, or building. Follow her lead. For example, if your child wants you to be the space alien, try a stage whisper: “What does the space alien do now?” so your child stays in the lead.
- Accept your child’s choices. Resist the urge to guide, preach, correct and even praise. Most of us are quick to say “good job” or to guide our children: “It works better if you do it like this.” But too much praise and guidance (or criticism) can undermine children’s sense of self. During Special Play Time, try noticing (outloud) your child’s actions, desires, and emotions without evaluating them. For example, instead of “You are putting the doll’s clothes on backwards,” try this: “You want the buttons in the back.” If your child creates a picture or a tower, try this: “You worked hard on that. You seem proud!” rather than “Nice picture, honey.”
- Minimize rules. Try to stick to the basics: (1) no breaking things and (2) no hurting yourself or me. You may want to add one more, like cleaning up together at the end. Otherwise, almost anything goes. If your child continues to break a rule after a warning, simply tell her in a calm tone that you have to end Special Play Time for that day, but you will schedule another one soon. - Make it your own! You and your child can come up with a unique name for your play sessions. Try inventing your own closing ritual too. This can be the “Clean Up” song, a high five, a secret hand shake, a sticker, a quick hand massage with lotion, or whatever you create together.
Special Play Time facilitates family bonds as well as your child’s confidence, creativity, and emotional regulation. Best of all – its fun and relaxing for parents and children alike! You can try it during the holidays, and then make it part of your regular routine. We think you will enjoy this break from technology, chores, work, and rules at least as much as your child will. No batteries required! Happy Holidays from the team at Crossroads Family Counseling Center, LLC
Written by Laelia Gilborn, M.S.W.,M.P.H., holds two Masters Degrees in both Social Work and Public Health. She has additional training in child-centered play therapy and other therapeutic approaches to working with children. She has a special interest and experience with supporting families who are coping with health-related challenges and grief and loss issues.
